After enjoying a comfy winter with all the trimmings, I, along with half the city of Chattanooga, am trying to get back into shape by frequenting the River Walk. Exercise has often been a source of conflict for me as I wrestle with my silly (and idolatrous) insecurities regarding health, beauty, and identity in general.
On my good days, I just delight in moving and thank God for letting me live somewhere so cross-hatched with trails, sidewalks, parks, and water. I feel alive outside and breathing (or gasping) the fresh air does my soul good.
On my not-so-good days, I struggle with shame and pride. Either I’m feeling self-conscious and defensive of my curvy abdomen (especially when people CONTINUE to ask if I’m pregnant seven months after Caleb), or I look down my nose at those who cast a wider shadow than I. This usually degenerates into an inner dialogue of condemnation:
“I’ll never measure up to all these pretty joggers…Then again, that lady probably invests everything in her looks and career… If she actually had kids, her abs wouldn’t look like that…At least I’m doing better than this fat person…There I go judging people again…I shouldn’t think stuff like this…Maybe that woman has a great personality…I’m such a disappointing Christian…”
When my eyes focus on me, it’s hard to see the bigger picture. But God re-reminded me of it during a jaunt across the Walking Bridge a few weeks ago.
As I plodded over the great wooden arc, I glanced down at the Tennessee River and noticed that the ordinarily murky water seemed bright and blue. Then I realized the sun’s morning angle had made the river reflect the sky. In places where the water flowed gently and quietly, the reflection looked especially clear.
Kind of reminded me of the famous beauty verse in 1 Peter 3:3-4: “Your adornment must not be merely external - braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”
Ultimately, just trying harder to think “holy thoughts” during my time on the River Walk will only result in more guilt and frustration. If I try to be good out of my own self-discipline, I’ll run myself ragged and present a pretty muddied picture of the gospel. Not very beautiful.
But if my heart remembers how God drew me close when I was spiritually dead, that He likes me and has given His Spirit so I can act like the redeemed creature I already am, I can rest in what God’s done instead of trying to do it over again. I can even talk to Him about my mental hurdles.
The fact is, I’ve got it far better than the Tennessee River. That murky water’s blue reflection is just a trick of the morning light. But my identity has been truly purified and truly beautified through Christ’s blood. He will continue to purify me until the ultimate morning when time and eternity meet and marry.
So here’s to the “Already, Not Yet” truth that it’s not what I do - it’s what God’s done. And when I remember that, my heart gets quiet. My idols dim. And I am freed to fight the good fight, reflect the Son’s light, and run with perseverance the race marked out for me.
Tally ho!
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This is a beautiful article. It makes me laugh too, that I have similar insecurities that evaporate in awe of a crystal clean created season.
ReplyDeleteI think that to judge oneself can be as wretchedly poisonous as to judge another, and the former prompts the latter. To say to oneself, 'Urb! My nose is too large, and I think you're staring at it!'might predispose said delusional party to silently seethe, 'I may look like a rat, but you look like a pig!' When, at the end of day, it's still nice to have a nose :/
Anywho, yous a highly attractive woman/gal in spirit, personality, talent, and good looks as is re-edified by current babyboom.
Surely its not idolatrous to pursue good health?
Christa, I knew you drew. But you may want to consider writing as well. Love the way you think. Always have.
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your last question (and I'm answering as if it were not hypothetical), "Surely it's not idolatrous to pursue good health?" I think anything good can be idolatrous if our desire for it outranks and outgrows our desire to enjoy God.
It's terribly easy to turn even "pursuits" of God into idols. For example, if I make Bible reading my ultimate goal and source of identity, I'm worshiping an idol. That's what Jesus called the pharisees out on. He said, "You study the scriptures thinking that will keep your souls, but you refuse to come to ME."
Anything that keeps us from coming to Jesus is an idol. And usually it's not a choice between the good and the bad, but rather the good and the best. Sex, good food, ministry, marriage, family, business success, GETTING PUBLISHED, being appreciated, etc. are all GOOD things. But if they become ultimate things, our security rests on sandy soil.