The Twisted Tale of Oliver Dumfries (Part 1 of 2)

The Dumfries family lived on a damp piece of real estate enclosed by a barbed wire fence. Neither criminals nor prisoners, the Dumfries were, in fact, pigs. They didn't mind wallowing in swamp-like conditions or eating out of a cement trough. They enjoyed the cool, squishy mud and munching on dried sweet corn.

Mama and Papa Dumfries could often be found luxuriating in a communal mud bath with their hoggish neighbors in the far corner of the pen. There, they'd discuss pig politics while the piglets would alternate between tussling in the mud and napping in the hay. The Dumfries led a simple, happy existence and most of their friends led the same. However, there was one pig in the pen who was not content.

Oliver Claudio Dumfries hated the mud. He couldn't stand getting dirty. Every morning while his siblings and friends wrestled in the pen, Oliver would sit in the small shed on a pile of clean hay, grooming himself.

"Hey Oliver!" yelled one of his cousins. "Come on over for a game of 'steal the rutabaga'! You can be on my team."

"Humph!" Oliver replied with his snout in the air. "I don't have time for games. And besides, you all look so silly when you're filthy."

Another time, his older brother Reginald asked him to join in a mud bath. "You can't just sit in the shed for the rest of your life. Come on out with us! The mud is so soothing!"

"You don't see any other animals on the farm rolling around in the mud, do you?" Oliver snorted. "Take Fluffy the Cat, for example. He spends hours licking his fur till it shines with perfection. And he still has time to take naps in the sun. Then of course there's Riley the Rooster. Such class! Such strut! Very popular with the hens. The secret? Preening. Grooming. Poise. I'm sorry to say it, but your personal presentation needs serious work, Reginald."

His brother's eyes narrowed. "Fluffy doesn't have any friends and Riley is a loudmouth. You're a pig, Oliver. And if you keep living like something else, you're gonna miss out on all the fun in life." With a flick of his spiraled tail, Reginald wallowed toward the other pigs.

Oliver stuck his snout in the air and sniffed. "What a boarish brother I have," he said to himself.

Weeks passed and soon all the other piglets got tired of asking Oliver to join them in their games. Oliver's disgust with his comrades grew more potent each day. "How dumb and dirty they are," he thought. "The other animals must think we're all crazy. But I don't act like that. My family is so embarrassing. Why am I the only one with principles?"

The next morning, an intriguing visitor came to the farm. He was tall, intelligent, perfectly groomed, and had a green waistcoat, plaid vest, and a bushy red tail. Oliver had never seen such a handsome creature. Catching the lone, pink pig's eye, the clever visitor sauntered toward the corner of the pigpen. All the other pigs were too occupied to notice.

"Good afternoon," said the clean-cut gentleman. "My, I've never seen such a handsome pig before."

Oliver blushed at the compliment. Finally, someone understood him! "My name is Oliver. Oliver Dumfries."

"My name is Foxworthy. Jacob Foxworthy. And you are just the kind of pig I've been looking for!"

"Really?" Oliver asked.

"Why yes! You see, I am a tailor, and I've designed several outfits for the more fashionable among animals. I have a suit here that would fit you quite nicely, I believe." Jacob Foxworthy produced a leather bag, out of which he drew a pair of blue trousers, a white collared shirt, red knee-high socks, brown shoes, and a leather cap.

"These are beautiful!" Oliver gasped. "How much will you sell them for?"

"Oh, not for much. Just a dozen eggs and a bottle of cream."

"You want me to steal from the other animals?!" exclaimed Oliver.

"I didn't say that. I just listed my price. If you want the outfit, I'll meet you here at midnight. But I'm a very busy person. I must be off after that. So if you're not ready, I'll offer these clothes to someone more civilized."

Oliver gulped. He didn't want to take something that belonged to someone else. But the clothes looked so beautiful...