A Modern Merry Christmas

If I grew a pine needle for every time I’d heard/sang/acted out part of the Christmas story over the last 25 years, I would put Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree to shame. You’d think I’d have at least a doctorate in Christmas Appreciation by now. Yet my very familiarity with the holy event sometimes tempts me to turn the Christmas story into a fairy tale on par with flying reindeer and singing snowmen.

Although I can quote most of the Christmas narrative, I feel a universe removed from its components. I have never been to Israel, never met a shepherd, and never seen an angel. I associate stables not with ramshackle sheds but with high-class tack and pedigree thoroughbreds - probably not the same venue Mary and Joseph visited. And even those stables had their share of poo.

With the way we set up nativity scenes and sing “Away in the Manger,” you’d think Mary and Joseph had stayed at a famous locale with iconic flowing robes and serene smiles. Instead of coming to grips with the true humility of Christ’s birth, I can easily halo the details and make the divine incarnation as comfy and traditional as sweet potato casserole.

So what if, just for kicks, we brought the Christmas down to earth in our own century? Contextualized for the modern American audience, the Christmas story might sound something like this:

And it came about during the Augustus Administration that a new law required people to file tax returns in the state of their birth. So construction worker Joe hopped a Greyhound down to Bethlehem with his pregnant teenage fiancé, Mary.

While there, Mary started having contractions. Unable to find a room at either the Holiday Inn or local hospital, Mary give birth to a boy in a chilly garage after several hours of painful labor. Joe wrapped the baby in a Goodwill receiving blanket and set him down to sleep in an empty tool box.

Later that night, some tired security guards shuffled about their rounds when the sky lit up like the fourth of July. With sunbeams shooting from his skin, an alien warrior slashed through the darkness. The guards, now fully alert, almost wet their pants.

“Don’t freak out,” the angel said. “I’ve got great news for everybody! Tonight, a few blocks away, the powerful Rescuer of mankind was born. You’ll find him wrapped in a blanket and lying in a tool box.”

With that, a million other angels ripped through the atmosphere and belted, “God is astounding and wholeness will come to the people whom He approves!”

After regaining their strength and senses, the security guards ran toward the nearest neighborhood and soon found Joe, Mary and the infant. Leaving the garage, they quickly called everyone listed in their cell phones and posted the news on Facebook and Twitter. And everybody who got the memo tried to figure out what it all meant.
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May you revel in the humility and mercy of God this season. As Linus put it, “That’s what Christmas is about, Charlie Brown.”